Humor Me

[SherryH]

Heard any funny jokes that you want to share?



A husband got in big trouble after his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him the day before: "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[SherryH]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 2 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite new toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, and then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??........

[SherryH]

THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[SherryH]

With spring just arriving here is a reflection of MN winter...

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Duluth sunbathe.

40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota put on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: All people in Miami die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open... 2 hours late.

[LyndaJensen]

You are SO funny! I enjoy your posts very much.

[SherryH]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about
my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

[SherryH]

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and,to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

[SherryH]

10 Reasons NOT To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[SherryH]

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box.

When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00.

He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.

He smile thinking she was only mad twice and asked what the $85,000.00 was.

She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

[dcmom]

Sherry H you crack me up!

I love these humorous stories! The last one I about wet myself!

Keep them coming..........

Thanks for putting humor into my drab existance.